Monday, April 21, 2014

Motivation Monday

As stated in my linkedin profile I am now in my eight months of employment. In my 8 months I am beginning to hate Monday with a vengeance. I can relate to every hate Monday meme post such as these...

 Yep... I am slowly evolving into the typical cubicle 8 - 5 white collar worker. 

The thing is I don't want to feel like that. I try to think of one sole reason that makes me hate my job and all I can think of is my office environment. I used to think that I am a survivor that as an introvert this working environment works for me. I don't have to talk or mingle with people and everybody mind their own business... should be perfect right?

But I just realize that I am not a robot (okay...) and I do need human companionship and I am desperate to be a part of a team where I can relate to. It made me miss my Samur days, I thought that was bad but now I feel even worst. Being isolated in a 6 working staff office is not funny at all, I hate it when I can't understand their language and sometimes I feel discriminated. And then there's a little voice in the back of my head saying, maybe I am not just good enough, maybe I am just a fucking loser. That voice insidiously making me believe how unworthy I am everyday.  

Positivity should help right?

It did help a little. I started listening motivational speech, I pray on my way to work, I read and screen cap motivational speech and I even do a perfect day meditation just to help me keep going for now. Reading inspiring blogpost especially from timothytiah, bongqiuqiu because the positivity is just infectious and other blogs which promote my dream travel list which is Japan

If I complain so much... I should just quit and find another job right?

I did and I am now waiting for the confirmation although sometimes I am on the verge of hopelessness and I have to keep reminding myself to be patient and have faith.

So what can I do? 

In one of the perfect day meditation I hear every morning stated that "If you help people to get what they want, You will get everything that you want". 

I am trying to do that right now... I try my best to help the people I care about. I am genuinely hoping for the best for them. I am trying to get rid off any form of negativity. 

I am hoping for a magical experience and I will not stop believing.  

Tuesday, April 8, 2014



Dear all whoever reading this post. First of all I want to ask, why the hell are you here? Even I don't know why I am writing this at this hour when I am suppose to be resting after a long day at work. It's not actually long I work 9 hours a day (yes, I skipped lunch almost every day). I am exhausted with my job... I don't even know how to make my job enjoyable anymore... I kind of hate everything right now and all I want to do now is to be with myself.

I hate going out... I hate meeting people, I hate waking up at 6.30am everyday, I hate getting stuck in the jam everyday, I hate my working life it's been months since I last go out and have fun with my friends. I have been postponing because I always don't have enough money and I don't want to. What am I kidding... maybe I am suffering some new employee depression. Okay.. I am just making that such thing for an Asian to have a depression.   

So what I'm doing right now is documenting this moment so when I read this after a few months after this, I will be laughing. I mean I should be, I signed up for this, things will always be the same for an engineer.  I will always have to deal with deadline, people pressuring me, sitting on the same spot for 9 hours... even the most positive people will be demotivated.

I need a vacation right... But I feel like I am a weak person if I do that, if other people can do it. Why can't I do it? I can do this... I can do this. I am not weak...just very very very demotivated.

  Look at my desk... This is actually quite clean. Files, drawing plan keep piling up. I am mentally tired right now. Even writing this post making me tired. 

So abrupt end because I want to do nothing and maybe after this I will be refresh and motivated to take over the world again.