Yep... I am slowly evolving into the typical cubicle 8 - 5 white collar worker.
The thing is I don't want to feel like that. I try to think of one sole reason that makes me hate my job and all I can think of is my office environment. I used to think that I am a survivor that as an introvert this working environment works for me. I don't have to talk or mingle with people and everybody mind their own business... should be perfect right?
But I just realize that I am not a robot (okay...) and I do need human companionship and I am desperate to be a part of a team where I can relate to. It made me miss my Samur days, I thought that was bad but now I feel even worst. Being isolated in a 6 working staff office is not funny at all, I hate it when I can't understand their language and sometimes I feel discriminated. And then there's a little voice in the back of my head saying, maybe I am not just good enough, maybe I am just a fucking loser. That voice insidiously making me believe how unworthy I am everyday.
Positivity should help right?
It did help a little. I started listening motivational speech, I pray on my way to work, I read and screen cap motivational speech and I even do a perfect day meditation just to help me keep going for now. Reading inspiring blogpost especially from timothytiah, bongqiuqiu because the positivity is just infectious and other blogs which promote my dream travel list which is Japan
If I complain so much... I should just quit and find another job right?
I did and I am now waiting for the confirmation although sometimes I am on the verge of hopelessness and I have to keep reminding myself to be patient and have faith.
So what can I do?
In one of the perfect day meditation I hear every morning stated that "If you help people to get what they want, You will get everything that you want".
I am trying to do that right now... I try my best to help the people I care about. I am genuinely hoping for the best for them. I am trying to get rid off any form of negativity.
I am hoping for a magical experience and I will not stop believing.