Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Devil wears Rolex

I've been quite obsess with The Devil wears Prada lately maybe because I can relate to how Andy felt in that movie. Fresh out of university, first job and working for the devil. However my devil is not as stylish as Miranda Priestly or as evil as her. I don't have to get coffee or do anything that involves the almost impossible task to do. 

But the funny thing is I find myself wishing I can trade places with Andy.  

My job can be consider boring most of the time, unless I have a new task to do. I really like doing design, I like that I can do something useful and make that plan into reality. Even though I only done civil works and hasn't yet done any structures design  but I believe that soon I will get that chance. I'm really excited to learn and witness the beauty of engineering. It's not a glamorous job, I don't have to wear designer's clothes to work or put on any effort to look good, I just have to appear presentable and ready. 

But now... I feel very unmotivated, incompetent, dumb and useless. I feel that I am not contributing to the company. All I did was sit on my desk and wait for instructions from my boss. I didn't adapt to the working world as fast as I hope I can. I find it hard to understand my boss directions and he changes it like nobody's business. In my office there's only 3 engineers, 1 is a senior engineer and the other is my boss, so I am the third engineer in the office. The senior engineer usually very busy since he's the only one doing the big projects so I only go to him when I really need help but his answer most of the time is "You ask boss" and when I go to my boss, he's even busier and his phone just won't stop ringing. 

My point is... I don't have a mentor. I am in desperate need for one. Someone that can give clear understanding of designs, teach me to turn what I learn from school to work. Today at work my boss said "I don't understand why you still don't understand". I feel like crying and I did just without tears. And then I emailed the wrong project to someone and another condescending remark "You are still in the dark". 

But whenever I feel bad about myself... I go to my mind and watch my favorite scene in the movie where Andy complains to Nigel about her job...

        Andy Sachs: She hates me, Nigel. 

Nigel: And that's my problem because... Oh, wait. No, it's not my problem. 

Andy Sachs: I don't know what else I can do because if I do something right, it's unacknowledged. She doesn't even say thank you. But if I do something wrong, she is vicious. 

Nigel: So quit. 

Andy Sachs: What? 
Nigel: Quit. 
Andy Sachs: Quit? 
Nigel: I can get another girl to take your job in five minutes... one who really wants it. 
Andy Sachs: No, I don't want to quit. That's not fair. But, I, you know, I'm just saying that I would just like a little credit... for the fact that I'm killing myself trying. 
Nigel: Andy, be serious. You are not trying. You are whining. What is it that you want me to say to you, huh? Do you want me to say, "Poor you. Miranda's picking on you. Poor you. Poor Andy"? Hmm? Wake up, six. She's just doing her job. Don't you know that you are working at the place that published some of the greatest artists of the century? Halston, Lagerfeld, de la Renta. And what they did, what they created was greater than art because you live your life in it. Well, not you, obviously, but some people. You think this is just a magazine, hmm? This is not just a magazine. This is a shining beacon of hope for... oh, I don't know... let's say a young boy growing up in Rhode Island with six brothers pretending to go to soccer practice when he was really going to sewing class and reading Runway under the covers at night with a flashlight. You have no idea how many legends have walked these halls. And what's worse, you don't care. Because this place, where so many people would die to work you only deign to work. And you want to know why she doesn't kiss you on the forehead and give you a gold star on your homework at the end of the day. Wake up, sweetheart. 

Yes, Wake Up Cynta.

All I have to do know is try harder. I must read all the company files so I know which project is which. I must study 2 main project that I am working. I must write down all the progress and preferably in excel so I can keep track. I must be fast, I must not be easily afraid and intimidated. I survived engineering college so I can do this. This is my dream to build and create. I can be creative in any way I want even in engineering. 

Things will go well. Things always go well. 

Roomate and I will move out from this dusty small room. 
I will buy my first car by next year. 
I can help my parents pay for our pets food supplies.
I can pay for my little brother's music class. 
I can give good gift to my love ones.
I will get a raise or maybe a new job with a much better salary.
I will have a mentor that can guide me. 
I will have the chance to participate in an international construction project. 
Roomate and I will be able to travel and see new countries.
I can go to gym and stay slim forever.
I can have a designer perfume, bag and shoes. 

All that left is for me to believe everything I just said. I believe it... Soon, I just have to work harder to achieve it. 

and One day when I'm the boss I can pull this off...

Friday, October 11, 2013


Finally, get a chance to sit down and be alone in my room. Not having anyone to talk is kind of a relief even though in my office, I rarely chat with my colleagues. Come to think of it nobody really chat with anyone even when the Boss is not in the office and our office is a very small office so you might imagine that there'll be a tight bond between us but no. All of us usually arrived on the dot at 8am and go back home on the dot 5pm. We are quite punctual people but not workaholic I think because nobody stays after 5pm.

It might sound boring but I like it... maybe I'm a boring person. NOOOO... I consider myself sometimes talkative only in my small circle of family and friends. I like my job but sometimes it gave me mini panic attack everyday because I'm afraid that I might screw up and the Bos will fired me or scold me. But overall my working environment is nice...

For 2 days, I haven't slept good. I usually slept around 10pm so I'll be motivated to do my job and most importantly can think clearly. Right now I am thinking about the earthworks calculation and my Boss asked me to check whether the given report is correct but I found some conflicting values and it worries me. Also, since roommate working hours is different from mine, I have to borrow cars from Ipik and Noi. Why both?... not because I'm greedy but yesterday was one hell of a day. Ipik's car security system decided to fuck me up and then roommate's car been locked by the parking security because he parked at a reserve parking area. So my kind brother lend me his car for the time being. FUCK SECURITIES!!!

I spend too much money already and I know I shouldn't be worrying about it so I spend RM30 buying lunch for people I love today. Hehehe... how is that going to help me save? I don't and I don't want to give a fuck. I am happy I can finally spend my own hard earn money and it's nice to be independent for once.

This post was supposed to be more... well I am rambling because I feel tired and also glad that I am finally home alone to smoke, bath and then sleep.