Monday, January 28, 2013

not so Suicidal rant

It's 2am here, I'm suppose to be cozily sleeping beside my roommate/boyfriend/lifepartner right now. Instead I am up playing line pop and irritating people by sending invites to received a heart. Anyway... I am beginning to be paranoid, over thinking some of me petty worries. I am quite nervous and anxious about results, love, relationships, future career and my sanity. All the tedious things young adult have to worry.

As I'm getting older, I find myself to be quite scared of the world around me. I'm a bit nervous taking any form of public transportation alone, I hate teenagers, I hate noisy obnoxious kids which made me repeat a mantra in my head that "I will never have a child". Just today, upon my return to KK from labuan via express ferry. I was suffering a mild seasick due to the movement of the boat and then there's this 2 or maybe 3 year old boy that can't stop crying, and literally made my seasickness even worse 100x. In my evil selfish mind I imagined drowning that innocent kid. I do feel guilty about it but that imagination + the stupid mantra that I created magically manage to control my seasick. I arrived KK without vomiting although it took me a few hours to really get over my seasick. So... so... sorry little boy my mind wasn't sane when I thought of that.

Also I watched this video on youtube about a silent riot happened on the year 1986 in KK. Which was kind of shocking since I never ever thought that something like that could happen here, the peaceful aramaiti land of Sabah. It made me feel angry that the unwanted foreigners did that to KK. How can we let them live here if we are at risk of something like that will occur again. They are taking away little by little our rights and over populating. I just hated when I see street kids everywhere begging for money to buy so that they can get high on glue. Once I saw this group of street kids running around the street tying a naked street boy while the "leader" is hitting the naked boy with a stick in PUBLIC. I was on the Segama - KK plaza bridge when that happen, no bystander even care to help that boy. Another one was when I was driving to Kramunsing and pass the Asia city roundabout, a group of street kids were getting high on glue on the roundabout. What will happen to those kids?... The numbers of street kids will grow more each year.      

Man... how I wish there's a shrink here... someone that can listen that won't judge and give me the proper medication to control my anxiety. And I am serious I really do think I need something, I've been having panic attacks over the years and nothing seem can stop it from happening. One day I woke up feeling motivated and the next day I feel like shit. I wanted to be somebody... I wanted to be sure of my life. Right now... nothing seem sure.

Well... I think this rant will end now with a cute puppy picture.

 UPDATE ON 1 MONTH CHALLENGE. (This is written at 12.20pm today)

I missed 2 days exercise due to a recent shopping trip to Labuan (will blog soon). I was on my 400 calorie run on the strider. I haven't run at the nearby park was going to do it this morning but woke up late. I will continue this and hope that tummy fat will go away and maybe dad and I can go cycling anytime soon.

As for PMC... I think my face got a bit fairer. I still have dark eye bags and I also missed 2 days of its supplement.    

I will updates with pictures.

See you soon blog.


Sasa said...

Babe try search tu tiffany rothe vids on utube. Mcm siok..

SuicideCandy said...

em bah.... hehehe