Thursday, January 3, 2013

Killing me softly...

"By losing patience you will get nothing done nor will you correct the person with your fury" -Don Bosco

This will be my main quote this year. 

A recent incident made me think reviewed myself all over again. I may not be perfect... in fact I am far from that. The only thing I know what to do is to be there for my family because that's the only thing I am capable of doing. I am a poor student with only RM100 to support 2 people for the month of January and even with that amount of money I can say that I am still grateful and happy that I have someone that I love to support me through any hardship and we will get through this. I know my family will also support me... :) so I am grateful. 

But this post is dedicated especially to my sister whom I love and appreciate. Though I am disappointed and sad that she never realize it or maybe she felt that the appreciation part is never enough. Dear Sister that is all I can give you. I may not be like you, who have a job and a wealthy man to support me... and can easily give people money to make them happy. I cannot do that, I cannot compare my hardship with yours... 

I guess as a younger sister you are looking down on me since I am unemployed and surviving life with our loving parents help and of course my poor simple lover. I can't buy presents all the time, I'm not organize and certainly not a good cook compare to you. I know that is not an excuse for our Christmas cookie project. I know I suggested the cookie project and you are the one that funded it and you are the one that did almost all the work. I know I am clumsy and slow anything related to domestic, I know you work too hard, I know you feel you are better than me. But please believe me when I say I did try, that is why I gave you the exchange gift present and I didn't receive any, that is why I cleaned up everything by myself (with 2 of my lovely nieces help) on Christmas day. I even warned our younger brother specifically not to irritate you that day. Still that is not enough... You still think I don't appreciate you and I don't love you as much as I love other family members. 

In fact I wonder why do you think OUR FAMILY doesn't appreciate you. What did we do so bad that you felt that we never care about you? I also wonder why did a simple empty coca cola bottle to a simple joke makes you think you can say harsh things to us. I am amazed that you can be so proud saying "YOU CAN PAY THAT" and "IT'S YOUR MONEY". But dear little sister... you cannot buy your family. You cannot buy appreciation or respect. You cannot buy our father's health and happiness. How can you be so oblivious and selfish to say something like that. What gives you right to demand more from people just because you are the one that gives MORE MONEY.   

I was hurt by all your words.. I guess that is all you think of me. That no matter how much I try to make you a part of the family even when you COMPLAIN about them, no matter how much I back you up.. It was never enough. You want more than I can give you. 

Sometimes I have to admit I envy sisters that have a very close relationship with each other. I don't know why we can't be like that. I was happy that we were going back to the relationship that we used to have before the incident but now... I'm not sure since being close to you meaning my appreciation is never enough and I never understand you. I guess it's better that we are not close, it's better for you to have your own life without me in it and I wish you the best because I had enough. I cannot do this anymore... I cannot bear letting myself be inferior to you just because I am unemployed and it would make you happy making me feel like a loser.

Therefore... this is goodbye to the past, I wish you well and from now on. You won't have to worry or complain that I do not appreciate you because I am no longer will be in your life. Thank you for everything and goodbye.        

1 comment:

syameen said...

I am touched with this post! I had the same feeling like you do just a bit different in r'ship..