Thursday, January 31, 2013

Not a pokemon transformation

My meaningless surfing found yet another youtube videos that fascinates me. 
This time it's about transgender. It's a taboo and most people are prejudiced on this subject.

Still, I try not to judge. But when it comes with "pengkids" (whatever that mean *rolls eyes*), it's a local term for dykes anyway most of the "pengkids" I met were either  obnoxious, snobby and PERASAN KUAT or in a more accurate term douchebags male wannabes.  The thing about pengkids is they don't want to be acknowledge as females, they walk around trying to fool people when in fact I can obviously see a bra underneath that oversize checkered shirt. 

It gets more annoying when this group of wannabes created a facebook page and when a friend of mine decided join that page and stupid facebook made it easier to see your friends online activity. I saw almost all the annoying posts from the page and all those posts mostly consists of whining, sobs story and gang fights among them. Of course I then hide my friend forever from the news feed so I won't vomit on my laptop one day after reading all those nonsense posts. 

Most of those wannabe turn them self into pengkids probably was inspired by Cinta Kita a Sofia Jane movie. They were brokenhearted by some jerk and then decided all guys are jerks and women are better (well, we are better). But the funny thing is they change themself to be more like a guy when that's the gender that hurts you. Stupid, why bother being the gender you hated... It's a compliment to them. Be a strong women, be a lesbian who acts like a lady. 

There's a girl I personally knew a perfect example of that, she was super feminine girl and then BAM!!! one day no more skirts, no more long hair. She became a pengkid so maybe that's the calling she needed to realize who she really is. But then I saw her last year throwing out her pengkid look and become her old self again dating guys and now claiming she's bisexual.        

But I fortunately did met a few people on their way to their transition that are nice and really just normal people. 

But who am I to judge right... although my post seem judgemental. I'm not... I am just disgusted by the wannabes. If you really feel that your biologically created gender is not who you really are then go for it. Just don't annoyed us with sobs story but inspired people to be who they really are.

Here are two story on female to male and male to female transformation.
Both are amazing! Notice that the jawline gradually change towards the transformation.   

and here's my attempt from female to male transformation.

HAHAHA... photoshop fail. Maybe what I needed in this picture is an adam's apple. Hmm... 

Till next time... 

Monday, January 28, 2013

not so Suicidal rant

It's 2am here, I'm suppose to be cozily sleeping beside my roommate/boyfriend/lifepartner right now. Instead I am up playing line pop and irritating people by sending invites to received a heart. Anyway... I am beginning to be paranoid, over thinking some of me petty worries. I am quite nervous and anxious about results, love, relationships, future career and my sanity. All the tedious things young adult have to worry.

As I'm getting older, I find myself to be quite scared of the world around me. I'm a bit nervous taking any form of public transportation alone, I hate teenagers, I hate noisy obnoxious kids which made me repeat a mantra in my head that "I will never have a child". Just today, upon my return to KK from labuan via express ferry. I was suffering a mild seasick due to the movement of the boat and then there's this 2 or maybe 3 year old boy that can't stop crying, and literally made my seasickness even worse 100x. In my evil selfish mind I imagined drowning that innocent kid. I do feel guilty about it but that imagination + the stupid mantra that I created magically manage to control my seasick. I arrived KK without vomiting although it took me a few hours to really get over my seasick. So... so... sorry little boy my mind wasn't sane when I thought of that.

Also I watched this video on youtube about a silent riot happened on the year 1986 in KK. Which was kind of shocking since I never ever thought that something like that could happen here, the peaceful aramaiti land of Sabah. It made me feel angry that the unwanted foreigners did that to KK. How can we let them live here if we are at risk of something like that will occur again. They are taking away little by little our rights and over populating. I just hated when I see street kids everywhere begging for money to buy so that they can get high on glue. Once I saw this group of street kids running around the street tying a naked street boy while the "leader" is hitting the naked boy with a stick in PUBLIC. I was on the Segama - KK plaza bridge when that happen, no bystander even care to help that boy. Another one was when I was driving to Kramunsing and pass the Asia city roundabout, a group of street kids were getting high on glue on the roundabout. What will happen to those kids?... The numbers of street kids will grow more each year.      

Man... how I wish there's a shrink here... someone that can listen that won't judge and give me the proper medication to control my anxiety. And I am serious I really do think I need something, I've been having panic attacks over the years and nothing seem can stop it from happening. One day I woke up feeling motivated and the next day I feel like shit. I wanted to be somebody... I wanted to be sure of my life. Right now... nothing seem sure.

Well... I think this rant will end now with a cute puppy picture.

 UPDATE ON 1 MONTH CHALLENGE. (This is written at 12.20pm today)

I missed 2 days exercise due to a recent shopping trip to Labuan (will blog soon). I was on my 400 calorie run on the strider. I haven't run at the nearby park was going to do it this morning but woke up late. I will continue this and hope that tummy fat will go away and maybe dad and I can go cycling anytime soon.

As for PMC... I think my face got a bit fairer. I still have dark eye bags and I also missed 2 days of its supplement.    

I will updates with pictures.

See you soon blog.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Weekly musings

I start off last week feeling glad that finally it's the 1 month semester break but towards the end of the week I feel so ... I don't really know what's the word to put it but I feel so free and got nothing to do and feeling slightly bored. I do hope that this holiday will be better. I am trying to get a part time job... probably that will help my boredom and maybe the end of this week visit some place nice.

So basically what I've been doing other that my 1 month challenge is lying around playing a new game which Wawan introduce to me and so far I am loving it!

This is one of the characters of the game Rayman which apparently also the game title. I dislike using other characters but I only manage to uncover a few characters so we never know. 

I also did a lot of mindless surfing and stalking. I do less stalking on facebook now and stalk most of my favorite bloggers. I love nuffnangX, I can get daily updates of the bloggers that I like so if any of you are on nuffnangX do follow me please and I will make sure that I will follow back. :) Anyway about mindless surfing, while stalking a favorite blogger of mine I stumbled to this blog which show amazing plastic surgery skills! It's Korean plastic surgery and all I can say is WAW! 

See! See! How amazing is that! Make me want to do plastic surgery in Korea (in a distant future where I have a lots of money to spare). 

Here's another one. 

and this one! I find myself hard to believe this! Is this real?! WAW

and here's another one with makeup magic. LOL No photoshop even needed when u have the right makeup on. :)

If I can fix my face I will definitely want to fix my teeth. My teeth is not as bad I don't have underbite, it's not obviously crooked but from a bad angle I can look as if I'm the wicked witch of the west with one huge rabbit teeth and it's not a pair just one huge crooked teeth. Well that explain why I don't have a teeth showing smile (unless it was a candid picture). I will also fix my nose... my nose is not bad but it can be humongous if I smile widely, so bear with the demure smile or pretend serious/mad face.  

 If you are interested to check out the site here's the link

UPDATES of my 1 month challenge: 

I gain 1kg and loose 1kg so basically I'm still the same weight as before. I can burn up to 250 calories on strider (an exercise machine my dad bought) and I can run up to 2 and 1/2 rounds at the nearby jogging park. 

The only problem is I've been eating too much and yesterday I feel so bloated my stomach couldn't eat anymore. But I was so hungry I did eat a little well not exactly little, my breakfast was a kou chung and a pau ayam and lunch was stir fry beef with soy sauce and curry. My uncle decided I ate too little rice and dump 1 big serving to my plate (DAMN U IPIK!). Dinner was half capati shared with my mum. But that was yesterday... 

On Friday I ate atong fish soup, KFC dinner plate (share with 2 friends), cheesy wedges and a bowl of pan mien... oh and also 1 err.. maybe 2 slice of raisin butter cake. Saturday I ate 2 serving of fried noodles, 1 serving of fried rice also 2 piece of cake and random bites of chips while watching TV. 

GAHHHHH!~ no wonder I gain 1 kilo in a week. I guess I should do the no carbs diet again... But carbs is a part of my daily diet. But I will try!

As for the PMC I didn't get any drastic transformation of my skin nor did I feel any changes. Maybe it's a bit slow...  

So wish my Luck!   


Friday, January 18, 2013

1 month challenge

Hello world... whoever it is reading this blog of mine.

I am currently on an on going challenge to be more fit. Therefore I will be running/jogging (of course not 24 hour but until I reach to the point of giving up) everyday until the 18th of February 2013. I also need to loose a bit weight to get to my dream weight. I want to be skinny enough to fit into a tight fitting dress without any bulges.

I am also starting a pure marine collagen challenge. I only started eating those for 2 days now the same with my jogging routine only started 2 days ago. My hopes are that I'll be fit enough and of course my skin will be a lot better after this.

If everything works I hope that I can make it a routine forever!!! My biggest challenge now is controlling my food intake. Like yesterday I had 2 hash brown and 2 nuggets for breakfast, a mcD lunch set and dinner is 2 serving of delicious delicious parai wagu rice with omelettes, stir fry sardin and chicken noodle soup. But that is if I'm home at Tuaran which means home cooked meal and free meals. haha...

So I'm a sucker for free food and I know to achieve my goals I have to at least control my food intake. Less carbs, less sugar... Well... sacrifice must be made to achieve glory.

Wish me luck!


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The green coloured house at Mogong.

Saturday last week, I went back to Tambunan. Although I didn't do a lot of sight seeing there since I was too lazy to drive around and there's only Wawan and Nonok so most of the time I spent on my Mamatua's couch watching TV.  I did manage somehow to drag my lazy ass to follow my parents de-weeding at Tinganayon

Ohai Tambunan! Was greeted by a blue blue sky. 

Wink from Ms Purak... 

and le boyfriend. Handsome dog, too bad he has a bad leg. :(

Proud owner of the Green House.

Vanity moment... My legs look long here thus decided to take a picture to commemorate this moment. LOL

Asked my dad why barbed wires tied around the sulap, the answer was "Untuk halang karabau". Which to me is weird... I thought it was some kind of security system turn out to prevent buffalos from knocking the wall. 

Kids, this are the place where we used to store rice. 

The sulap at Tinganayon.

Rumah sebelah a.k.a Rumah mentri - mentri.

Completed on the 5th May 1970. This house is 43 years of age. 

and that's it... The place of my childhood adventures. Wish I'm still a kid, innocent and naive without any boring adult responsibilities. All the bills I have to pay, all the money I have to save, all the studying I have to do... all to have a better life. 

But shouldn't we just appreciate what we have now?... 

But damnit! I want to go to Japan so I got to be an adult 1st then be a kid again whenever I'm with my little brother or with my dogs. Either way... I'm happy. 


Sunday, January 13, 2013

What's the kindest thing someone has ever done for you?

I woke up before 6am today due to my own natural body alarm since I haven't been getting enough sleep nowadays (ugh, please wrinkle don't appear) and as a loyal netizen start up my laptop and open facebook. I was about to stalk someone there before I saw a post from a page that I like (some motivational page) "What's the kindest thing someone has ever done for you?".

That particular question stop my stalking mode and made me think... So I read some of the comments (TLDR because there's like 1000++ comments) and some of the act of kindness was so pure it makes me hard to believe that it really existed. Thinking about it makes me trying to recall any act of kindness I ever receive.. At first I thought there's no such thing as a random act of kindness ever happen to me, most of it were just act of responsibility that meant they had to do it because they had to or maybe did that just to impress a person and always most of it are expecting recognition or reward.  

Of course I was wrong... As I start this post I'm beginning to get flash back on kindness that I have personally experience. Instead of remembering how sad my life is now, it's better to remind myself that kindness has happen to me. There are people who have help me without asking for any reward back, so I'll start with the earliest memory I had about it... 

When I was 9 years old, my Pa forgot to pick me up at school. 

My school has 2 session where upper primary is on the morning session (primary 4,5,6) and lower primary is on the evening session (primary 1,2,3). So I was primary 3 and evening session start at 1pm until 5pm. My Pa always picks me up around 5.30pm and Ma always gave me extra money for emergency. That evening I call my house through a payphone just to say hi to my siblings probably then I saw caprilla ice cream! Bought  ice cream with all the money I had at that time and played with friends. 

Then 5.30pm came... No sign of Pa yet maybe he's running a bit late...

6pm... Still no sign of Pa and most of my friends already left.

Then 7pm... Still no sign of Pa and his old 12OY toyota car.

Lastly... around 8pm there's this group of Chinese secondary students saw me waiting alone at this bus stop. When they ask me why I'm still there, I answered them without hesitant that Pa forgotten about me, "I'm waiting for my dad". But it was 8 pm and I was a 9 years old kid carrying a bulky bag pack. My response made them a bit worried since they will be leaving soon and I'll be left alone at the bus stop. When their bus driver came to pick them up, they asked me to join them. To convinced me, the bus driver (this fierce Chinese lady) told me bluntly that Pa forgotten about me and she is going to send me home. I was intimidated by the fierce Chinese lady so I just hop into the school bus. 

She ask where's my house so I told her I live at Inanam at Kampung Tamalang Silou. Gave her quite a shock since the place is quite far from Likas (My old school was SRK Lok Yuk). She asked one of her friend, an old Chinese man to send me home. She asked me for our house's number and called Ma, scolding her for forgetting me. One of her exact words were "Macamana boleh lupa anak oh?!".

         Kampung Tamalang Silou is a village on a hill, (Yes... I live there for 1 year and a half without electricity) at first I don't know why my naive self ask to be drop off at the junction maybe because the old man asked how far my house is from the junction, it was quite far but I didn't want to trouble him. Beside the old Chinese man's car was a very old car so it was a struggle to drive up there. Thank god, the old man didn't listen to me and drive me up but the car only lasted at a flat area just below my house. My house was beside a steep area so he drop me there at the flat area where there's 2 neighbour's house and I arrived home in the dark safely. 

My Ma was very relief to see me home but instead of a hug, she scold me. She scolded me for eating ice cream instead of saving the money for emergency stuff. She then proceeded yelling at Pa when he got home. Even acted a bit by asking my happy go lucky Pa where was I, only then he realize he forgotten about me and was about to rush to the car before Ma yelling at him telling him, I was home.

If it weren't for that secondary students, fierce Chinese lady and the Old man, I could be kidnapped, raped by a pedophile, harvested for my body parts and would never saw my family again. To this day I am thankful for them, it may not be some heroic superhero story but I'm grateful that there are still good kind hearted people out there.

Thank You to the strangers that helped me that particular day. Thank You also to everyone that showed me kindness. THANK YOU!


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Like A Star

To the star of my life...

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Honour to love you

Still I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look I can't describe,
You make me feel like I'm alive,
When everything else is au fait,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song,
Your love,

Still I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Now I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands

This is our 6th year being together hope that we'll grow old together and arguing like we always do. I love you as long as *insert corny romantic quotes*...

I hope everyone will found somebody to love and be love by them back regardless your sexual orientation. :) 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Fresh from the oven


Cool story bro... 

Butter cookies and a Mother's love.

Here I am in this little room of mine which I shared with a beautiful person that is now at work. I just want to say thank you for him for loving me even though he can be so irritating at times. 10 years before I never imagined my life to turn out like this to be ordinary and still stuck in my hometown. I imagined that I'll be some successful career women, out to conquer the world... the only thing my vision got right is I am still not married. Which I am happy because I'm not in a rush to settle down but compare to my teenage vision, I am a loser. 

Everyone is a loser in their own terms, even though when you stalk them in facebook they probably look far more successful than you but behind those elaborated pictures and status hides the truth that they are really just another ordinary loser trying to survive. So cheers to all losers out there, cheers to another day that we have survived. 

As miserable as I feel right now I still feel blessed. I feel blessed that I have a roof under my head where I can hide away from the world. I am blessed because I never actually starving for food even though I am currently on a maggi diet involuntarily. I am blessed because of my mother, how I love her so much... Because of her unconditional love I can still survive. I feel like crying this morning when I ask her for money and then not only that she gave me that, she gave me a tapao breakfast. I can feel the amount of love she gave to me and our siblings. Okay that is silly... maybe because I am pms-ing that I became super emotional right now, Of course she love me unconditionally, she's my mother for god sake.

This post is made actually meant to complain and whine about my life, but rather than feeling sorry for myself, better to count my blessing and I have many... :) Wish me good luck for my exam... last paper is Monday. I hope I can survive!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Looking for the perfect BB cream

I am in a mission looking for a perfect and affordable BB cream. Right now I did actually found an almost perfect BB cream. That is Garnier BB cream (Instant fairness BB moisturizer), it's light and very easy to use.  

I like it because I can minimize my getting ready in morning time.  

My real skin tone. No photoshop on the skin. Notice the eyebags and uneven skin tone, even flash from my camera  can't save me. 

But move a little closer to the camera and flash will help you. Maybe... 

I cant't be bother to do a cute act. This really is my face while putting on any makeup. Ugh... eyebags... Y U NO GO AWAY!

And TADAH!!! I seriously did not photoshop my skin. Eyebags be gone! and I look at least 2 years younger IMHO. Yes! Looking almost cute here!

With better hair... Ahh.. Fuck it....  Even the cute head band can't make me look cute. I look so fake!

Welll back to the review. The BB cream is almost good because... It won't last long... It will melt away after noon and you'll have to touch up again which is a hassle for me since I don't really do touch up. All I want is my makeup or at least my foundation last all day long or at least 12 hours. 

So if you have any suggestion of a good BB cream do let me know. 

See ya

Friday, January 4, 2013

Suicide mission for a suicidal person.


I never really believe in a New Year resolutions... I made some of them but always fail to keep it throughout the year. So it's quite some time since I made new year resolutions. What change my mind this year? Well... I finally will be graduating soon so I need to set goals to make my life better. :)

1. Be skinny. I don't care if people call me anorexic I want to be skinny. I hate it when people call me curvy or chubby. "Ko bukan gemuk bah, ko berisi sja"...  

I want to be skinny until I have a thigh gap.

2. I want to get better grades. Since I'm graduating soon I hope I graduate with better grades. So I won't procrastinate and let myself dwell into depression this year. :)
No more last minute work, no more last minute studying, no more last minute doing anything! I will give my best in doing any projects!

3. Move out. It's not that I don't like the place I'm currently living but it's getting a bit cramped with all of my stuffs. Beside roomie and I need a fresh start since I'll be working soon.

4. Learn new things. I need to upgrade my knowledge especially when it comes to software. I need to upgrade my skills in autocad, learn esteem and any damn software related to civil engineering.

5. Take good care of skin, body and be more presentable in public. I usually don't wear any makeup and usually look like I just woke up and haven't showered for a week... unless I feel like I need to dolled up. But I did try to be a bit presentable last year and I learn to use face mask at least once a week so I'll continue it this year and hopefully people won't notice that I'm actually nearing 30.

6. Blog more and maybe this year my lookbook will have pictures. I love fashion especially Japanese fashion  and I did try to dress more like them this year. A bit fail tho but nobody can stop me from trying! So here's some of my attempts.

Need to werk out my poses. I am a very awkward person in real life. 

7. Travel more... Since I am forbidden from leaving the country, I have to narrow it down to travelling in the country. Let me see the beauty of our country and maybe next year I can afford travelling other countries that is after I pay ptptn the money I owe them.

That's it... 7 suicide mission for this year. Not sure if I can make it all come true but I promise myself to at least try.