Tuesday, November 4, 2008

one step at a time

As my sweaty hands type this post, sitting alone in the library, i can say to myself that i am happy that my 1st exam is over. HURRAH!!! don't pop the champagne bottle yet cuz there's still 4 paper left and i am finally free from this hell hole (for 1 month and a half).

God, it just bring back childhood memories... WTF am i saying?... well, for those nerdy-goody-2-shoes-asskisser-teacher's pet-so called-self proclaim-intellect-snob probably don't feel anything about it. but to me it's a big deal... i am 22 and just starting my degree, i failed my SPM and struggle through diploma to sit where i am sitting now.

I woke up this morning with a trouble heart and conscience, no i didn't do anything wrong. I'm just so fucking nervous. and my fuckin mind couldn't top from over analyzing everything and the most hated questions pop into my mind is the ' What if '... e.g What if i got the wrong time table?, What if i came at the wrong time? etc...

then it got worst when i arrive (fortunately, correct timetable SYABAS!!! note to self: must trust own instinct and info more), that big grand hall seem like a place of horror. a bit sakai, i venture in and saw these students revising, murmuring to themselves... I feel like an outsider with my dirty converse sneakers walking on the newly vacuum carpet. I look around trying to find fammiliar faces or at least a friendly one though i know it's only a waste of time..

The cold aircon fills the room only makes it worst. i feel like peeing, vomitting and running away. Then logic kicks me in the ass again and again to assure me about everything with Pink's latest single in my head, I sit for my exam. "So what?!! I'm still a rock star!!!". still the what if virus keeps on attacking my brain, it got so stupid, my mind pop this question : ' what if i forgot to locked my car and my laptop got stolen and my car wreck or maybe stolen as well...maybe i should go back and double check...'

then i blame my own mother for my own stupid nerves. My mother have these levels of fear that seem unlogical and preposterous...sorry mum.. sometimes you are the champion annoyer... but me love you always mummy dearest. I know this absurdity gotta stop and i shouldn't be blaming my own mother for my own limitations.

Of cuz... i did manage to finished the exam (and 30 minutes earlier lagi!!!!) right now i am thinking to change this blog title again... dunno what maybe will be more conceited than the recent. LMAO...

time is running out, time is money, time is invisible, time will make people go crazy over nothing.
p/s: love thy self...

1 comment:

Bee said...

Hey, it could be worst actually. I am 27 and still struggling to finish my degree. You're 22, you'll be done with your degree before you're 27. The way I see it is like this, It's ok to start late, than not start at all... kan?

Anyway... good luck on your exams. Break a leg!