Saturday, October 18, 2014

putus-putus punya post

I've been complaining about how lazy I am to my PO5 but here I am now, wide awake and writing this blogpost... I have quite a lot of unfinish blog post that is so backdated that makes the dinosaur extinction looks like current news.

So here is a short blog post because I feel like typing when I should be sleeping because my neck hurts, my legs hurt and I believe I might have early stage of Parkinson because my hand is shaking as I type this. By the way I need to remind myself that I have to slow down on cigarettes and need to get myself ready to climb the tallest mountain in South East Asia this early November. Yes... FML.


Was interrupted by Ed while writing that. I'm the sort of person that prefer all my private thoughts written while I am alone and free from any kind of surroundings. Although ironically I am writing this now at my office when I am suppose to be doing work. But this is my laziest week ever, I haven't even really finish any work and my room is a mess. Okay... feeling guilty, will stop this and continue after my jog this evening.

**continuation 2**

Finally... finally I have some time to be alone. I miss this so much. I've been going out almost everyday and it's exhausting mentally and physically for me. I am an introvert but I have to admit it I sometimes don't look like one. I like to party and have fun but I LOVE BEING ALONE. It's like I have 2 personality, people normally saw me as maybe a bit aloof but friendly and there's this side of me that are happy that I am alone in my room doing what I want. I don't even care if my bf won't come back home tonight (he seems to be mad at me or maybe I just over analyzed when he's just really busy). Anyway I get to be alone with my thoughts without any interruption from anyone. I finally get to reorganize my thoughts and maybe finish all unfinished business like my long forgotten blogpost, cleaning my room and maybe do some work.

Being alone help me to do a self reflect. I have been quite negative these days... Envious of people and questioning why I don't have what they have, why I am so... I feel like I am a bad person, I feel like nobody really likes me or wants me at all. But I shouldn't be that way I should be grateful... I used to list down all the things I am grateful...

1. I am grateful to be alive and quite healthy even though my smoking seem to be worsen these days but overall I think I am quite healthy.

2. My family loves me and I am pretty sure Edmond love me too in his odd ways.

3. I have friends who can be comfortable around me even though I can be weird and awkward.

4. I have a job and enough money to survive but I have to be better in financial management.

5. I am grateful I have a home to go to.

6. I am grateful I have my pets.

So now I can try to improve myself, to make myself happy first so I can make people around me happy too.

Okay the end. :)    

Monday, August 25, 2014

New day

Hi blog! it only took me 2 months to update you this yay!

Hi, anyway... in case anyone of you forgot how I look like here's a picture of me. 

****awkward silence***

ermm... I don't really have any new updates other than,

I just cut my hair thus no more... 


Anyway, the picture above is a comparison on My 1st day of work and last day of work.

Did I just mention that? Yes, I finally quit my job! so HURRAH!!! *insert hand clapping emoji*

I like my job, I like being an engineer... I like learning things and understanding what I don't really understand during my student days BUT...

I really dislike my workplace, I know the job I signed for require high amount of perseverance. It won't get any easier, the workload will always be heavy, the decision must be precise and I always have to deal with problems because that's one of the job requirement. Problem solving. 

I hated how my ex boss treated me, I feel unappreciated, it's not like I am hoping for a praise in every task I finished but... it's hard for me to put it in words. I feel like a broken record repeating every single shit I was thrown at, how I was being ridicule BUT fuck it...

At least I learn quite a lot. I learn how to handle a strict boss, how to work on a deadline etc... this important things they don't teach you in school. Now when I look back I am amaze on how much shit I can handle and still be short it toughen me and open my eyes for possibility. 


My new workplace is good. I am taking a huge risk accepting this job, it's a start up company and there's a lot of things such as facilities, staffs etc...need to be improve. I like my colleagues and I have a better opportunity compare to the previous job so that had me going. :) Hopefully the future is bright for this company.

Although I do feel a bit lazy and unproductive, I need to remind myself about my goals. I especially hate that I am bloated now, face and body. I feel like a balloon. 

Being unproductive making me feel sloppy, lazy and a slob... That's why I am writing this blogpost. But I am like an ADD kid keep on being distracted. But you have to be inspired to write... I realize as I am writing this, my writing style is kind of defensive. 

The conclusion is I am quite happy, not thoroughly satisfied but okay. I have big dreams and I have to make sacrifices. 

Cheers to all the dreamers may your dreams become reality. Never stop chasing your dream. 


Sunday, June 29, 2014

Half of 2014

I saw QiuQiu's blogpost some time ago where she reviewed her resolutions by mid year so I wanted to do that as well just to remind myself of my goals and will work harder for it. Here's the link of my post.

1. 1.  Be skinny. I don't care if people call me anorexic I want to be skinny. I hate it when people call me curvy or chubby. "Ko bukan gemuk bah, ko berisi sja"...

Okay... I am not skinny as I wish to be which was to weigh 40kg but I do look quite skinny than my December 2012...

I did manage to weigh 40kg.

 This was me at my skinniest, thigh gap and all. Now I am back at 44 kg and I don't know whether I should be happy about it or sad. When I was 40kg I felt very light but I feel weak because I didn't lose it the "healthy way". I was so stressed out because of work I didn't realize I wasn't eating.

That was one of the low point of this year being so depressed with work I became anorexic. Although only my mum was genuinely worried about me at this point, the rest just complimented me of how skinny I've become. 

3. Move out. It's not that I don't like the place I'm currently living but it's getting a bit cramped with all of my stuffs. Beside roomie and I need a fresh start since I'll be working soon.

Still at the same matchbox room that I've been living for the past 4 years. Hopefully can achieve this one by the end of this year.

This one is still an ongoing resolution. I haven't been apartment searching for a while. I really need to get my financial stable for this one or maybe I just aim buying a new house so I got to start saving and plan my financial more efficiently... BUT I WANT TO *insert stuff I want to buy here*. 

Have to be really discipline on this issue! 

I want to own an apartment as nice as this one in the middle of the city preferably overlooking the ocean so I can wake up to a magnificent view every morning then after work relax while watching my favourite TV series on a comfy couch and maybe entertain family/friends once in a while in my marvelous penthouse.   

 4. Learn new things. I need to upgrade my knowledge especially when it comes to software. I need to upgrade my skills in autocad, learn esteem and any damn software related to civil engineering.

Autocad upgraded a lot, learn MiTS, m.excel also improved a lot. This is an on-going resolution so can't check this one yet.

Unfortunately for this one, I am still the same just upgraded autocad skill and a few here and there engineering knowledge. But I believe I will get better, I will be able to move forward and I am so excited to be working at a new company by the end of July! 

  6. Blog more and maybe this year my lookbook will have pictures. I love fashion especially Japanese fashion  and I did try to dress more like them this year. A bit fail tho but nobody can stop me from trying! So here's some of my attempts.

I did blog more than I did 2012... so this is another recycle resolutions. Didn't blog any fashion post tho. 

Can I blame work for this? No... okay... 


The only thing sure about this one is I'm going to climb Mount Kinabalu in November. So I will work harder for the others on that list. 

i.Legoland, Johor with Genesis.

ii. Penang for good food.

iii. Singapore to stalk my favourite bloggers.

iv. Japan for fashion!

v. Bandung for shopping.

vi. Cebu for my uncle's wedding and beautiful island.

vii. Korea for runningman.

viii. Thailand for the "shows".

ix. Hong Kong for Disneyland.

x. Any Sabah island or maybe mount kinabalu again. 

I didn't buy a new laptop though... hohoho... Change my hardisk into a new one and TADAH! feels like using a new one. LOLOLOLOLOL...


Thursday, June 12, 2014

It's real

Yes... it is real.

This loneliness that I feel is real. 
The frustration that I feel is real...
The sense of hopelessness... 
The fear... 


Maybe it's temporary but it's eating me inside and it's not even making me skinnier.