Monday, August 25, 2014

New day

Hi blog! it only took me 2 months to update you this time...so yay!

Hi, anyway... in case anyone of you forgot how I look like here's a picture of me. 

****awkward silence***

ermm... I don't really have any new updates other than,

I just cut my hair thus no more... 

UGLY LIMP HAIR. 

Anyway, the picture above is a comparison on My 1st day of work and last day of work.

Did I just mention that? Yes, I finally quit my job! so HURRAH!!! *insert hand clapping emoji*

I like my job, I like being an engineer... I like learning things and understanding what I don't really understand during my student days BUT...

I really dislike my workplace, I know the job I signed for require high amount of perseverance. It won't get any easier, the workload will always be heavy, the decision must be precise and I always have to deal with problems because that's one of the job requirement. Problem solving. 

I hated how my ex boss treated me, I feel unappreciated, it's not like I am hoping for a praise in every task I finished but... it's hard for me to put it in words. I feel like a broken record repeating every single shit I was thrown at, how I was being ridicule BUT fuck it...

At least I learn quite a lot. I learn how to handle a strict boss, how to work on a deadline etc... this important things they don't teach you in school. Now when I look back I am amaze on how much shit I can handle and still be sane...in short it toughen me and open my eyes for possibility. 

NEVER LET OTHERS OPINION DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. 

My new workplace is good. I am taking a huge risk accepting this job, it's a start up company and there's a lot of things such as facilities, staffs etc...need to be improve. I like my colleagues and I have a better opportunity compare to the previous job so that had me going. :) Hopefully the future is bright for this company.

Although I do feel a bit lazy and unproductive, I need to remind myself about my goals. I especially hate that I am bloated now, face and body. I feel like a balloon. 

Being unproductive making me feel sloppy, lazy and a slob... That's why I am writing this blogpost. But I am like an ADD kid keep on being distracted. But you have to be inspired to write... I realize as I am writing this, my writing style is kind of defensive. 

The conclusion is I am quite happy, not thoroughly satisfied but okay. I have big dreams and I have to make sacrifices. 

Cheers to all the dreamers may your dreams become reality. Never stop chasing your dream. 

End

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Half of 2014

I saw QiuQiu's blogpost some time ago where she reviewed her resolutions by mid year so I wanted to do that as well just to remind myself of my goals and will work harder for it. Here's the link of my post.

1. 1.  Be skinny. I don't care if people call me anorexic I want to be skinny. I hate it when people call me curvy or chubby. "Ko bukan gemuk bah, ko berisi sja"...

Okay... I am not skinny as I wish to be which was to weigh 40kg but I do look quite skinny than my December 2012...


I did manage to weigh 40kg.



 This was me at my skinniest, thigh gap and all. Now I am back at 44 kg and I don't know whether I should be happy about it or sad. When I was 40kg I felt very light but I feel weak because I didn't lose it the "healthy way". I was so stressed out because of work I didn't realize I wasn't eating.

That was one of the low point of this year being so depressed with work I became anorexic. Although only my mum was genuinely worried about me at this point, the rest just complimented me of how skinny I've become. 

3. Move out. It's not that I don't like the place I'm currently living but it's getting a bit cramped with all of my stuffs. Beside roomie and I need a fresh start since I'll be working soon.

Still at the same matchbox room that I've been living for the past 4 years. Hopefully can achieve this one by the end of this year.

This one is still an ongoing resolution. I haven't been apartment searching for a while. I really need to get my financial stable for this one or maybe I just aim buying a new house so I got to start saving and plan my financial more efficiently... BUT I WANT TO *insert stuff I want to buy here*. 

Have to be really discipline on this issue! 


I want to own an apartment as nice as this one in the middle of the city preferably overlooking the ocean so I can wake up to a magnificent view every morning then after work relax while watching my favourite TV series on a comfy couch and maybe entertain family/friends once in a while in my marvelous penthouse.   

 4. Learn new things. I need to upgrade my knowledge especially when it comes to software. I need to upgrade my skills in autocad, learn esteem and any damn software related to civil engineering.

Autocad upgraded a lot, learn MiTS, m.excel also improved a lot. This is an on-going resolution so can't check this one yet.

Unfortunately for this one, I am still the same just upgraded autocad skill and a few here and there engineering knowledge. But I believe I will get better, I will be able to move forward and I am so excited to be working at a new company by the end of July! 

  6. Blog more and maybe this year my lookbook will have pictures. I love fashion especially Japanese fashion  and I did try to dress more like them this year. A bit fail tho but nobody can stop me from trying! So here's some of my attempts.

I did blog more than I did 2012... so this is another recycle resolutions. Didn't blog any fashion post tho. 


Can I blame work for this? No... okay... 

7. TO TRAVEL AND TAKE MORE PHOTOGRAPHS. 

The only thing sure about this one is I'm going to climb Mount Kinabalu in November. So I will work harder for the others on that list. 

i.Legoland, Johor with Genesis.

ii. Penang for good food.

iii. Singapore to stalk my favourite bloggers.

iv. Japan for fashion!

v. Bandung for shopping.

vi. Cebu for my uncle's wedding and beautiful island.

vii. Korea for runningman.

viii. Thailand for the "shows".

ix. Hong Kong for Disneyland.

x. Any Sabah island or maybe mount kinabalu again. 

I didn't buy a new laptop though... hohoho... Change my hardisk into a new one and TADAH! feels like using a new one. LOLOLOLOLOL...

END!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

It's real

Yes... it is real.

This loneliness that I feel is real. 
The frustration that I feel is real...
The sense of hopelessness... 
The fear... 

ALL OF IT 
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.
.
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.
.
.
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IS REAL

Maybe it's temporary but it's eating me inside and it's not even making me skinnier.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Motivation Monday

As stated in my linkedin profile I am now in my eight months of employment. In my 8 months I am beginning to hate Monday with a vengeance. I can relate to every hate Monday meme post such as these...

 Yep... I am slowly evolving into the typical cubicle 8 - 5 white collar worker. 

The thing is I don't want to feel like that. I try to think of one sole reason that makes me hate my job and all I can think of is my office environment. I used to think that I am a survivor that as an introvert this working environment works for me. I don't have to talk or mingle with people and everybody mind their own business... should be perfect right?

But I just realize that I am not a robot (okay...) and I do need human companionship and I am desperate to be a part of a team where I can relate to. It made me miss my Samur days, I thought that was bad but now I feel even worst. Being isolated in a 6 working staff office is not funny at all, I hate it when I can't understand their language and sometimes I feel discriminated. And then there's a little voice in the back of my head saying, maybe I am not just good enough, maybe I am just a fucking loser. That voice insidiously making me believe how unworthy I am everyday.  

Positivity should help right?

It did help a little. I started listening motivational speech, I pray on my way to work, I read and screen cap motivational speech and I even do a perfect day meditation just to help me keep going for now. Reading inspiring blogpost especially from timothytiah, bongqiuqiu because the positivity is just infectious and other blogs which promote my dream travel list which is Japan

If I complain so much... I should just quit and find another job right?

I did and I am now waiting for the confirmation although sometimes I am on the verge of hopelessness and I have to keep reminding myself to be patient and have faith.

So what can I do? 

In one of the perfect day meditation I hear every morning stated that "If you help people to get what they want, You will get everything that you want". 

I am trying to do that right now... I try my best to help the people I care about. I am genuinely hoping for the best for them. I am trying to get rid off any form of negativity. 

I am hoping for a magical experience and I will not stop believing.  

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